Choosing Isn't Easy

[FeRaLiA]

Clea was pacing back and forth on the shoreline, and she was getting really dizzy. She knew she was troubled about something, but she wasn't exactly sure what. All she knew was that she came here to do something, and now for some reason, she wasn't able to do it. So she had gone to sleep and woken a few hours later. Clea had woken up just minutes before, and now she had no idea what she had come here to do before.

Stopping her constant pace, she glanced out at the ocean, and let the slow waves run over her paws. It was low-tide, so she was standing next to a patch of spiky rocks that normally would be half covered with water. Clea squeezed her eyes closes, trying to remember what it was. Or she could forget the whole thing and go home. Why should she spend time worrying about it at all?

Clea stepped farther into the water and let it waver to above her thick knees. She could have waded farther in, or she could have stayed right there. Or in fact, she could also have gotten out. The water was cool, and it chilled her to the bone. But she really didn't care at the moment.

The polar bear glanced at a seal, sleeping a little ways off on a small block of eyes, but she didn't go after it. She could have, but she didn't. The reason she was thinking of all these things, like what she was doing, and what she could of done, was that she was thinking about choices.

Just recently, the thought came into her mind, and she realized that your choosing almost every second of your life. Even though she was mentally disabled Clea had a lot of in dept thoughts like this. But anyway, you're choosing every time you put your foot in front of you, you're choosing every time you eat, or when you sleep, or drink, or hunt. You can choose to do it, or not, and sometimes numerous things.

But actually, the thing she was focusing on, was this: Sometimes choosing is easy, and sometimes...well, it isn't. Even though Clea is slow, and stutters in real life, her thoughts are quite clear.

I chose to come here... Clea was telling herself. Now I have to remember what I came her for! She felt like banging her head off something. Was she that slow that she could forget something that happened but a few hours ago?! Clea knew she was considered stupid, but this was ridiculous.

Swinging her head back and forth, she stood in the water while the sky darkened, pounding her mind, and trying to remember what her previous thoughts had been.

[۞Embers۞]

Seff dragged himself over the last of the steep hills that he had spent almost all day climbing over. He could finally see what he had been wanting to see all day: The great and beautiful blue waters of The Gulf. It was such an awe struck sight to see. The hazy mist over the waters, and the shining at full force sun, was completely dazzling.

He slid down the hill, and kicked up dust behind him as he started walking on level ground for the first time that day. It felt good not to be tired every waking moment of your life. Work was something you needed to do in your time of living, but rest was also needed so you didn't fall apart. Seff had worked all day, and it was fair he should rest and look at the ocean's view.

As he got closer to the shore, he could make out a bumpy white shape in the water. What could that be? He squinted and realized that it was actually another polar bear...maybe he could recruit this one to his clan...hopefully she would be friendly. But Seff was wary, just to be sure though.

He approached her cautiously, and when he reached her, he spoke clearly saying, Hello, dear. What's your name?

[[OOC: OMG. I am so sorry my first post with you is soooo bad... My muse completely died after making that bio. Sorry!]]

[FeRaLiA]

Out Of Character: That's OK. My muse perishes at a lot of times as well...

In all of her deep thinking, and the cold water washing around her legs, Clea wasn't expecting anyone's voice at the moment, so when Seff spoke, she made a slight jump. She turned shaking, still not sure who was behind her and why. The voice sounded friendly, and she wanted to believe that, but with her problems, even the friendliest would turn against her.

As Clea made a full turn, she made out the new comer's full appearance. He looked bulky, but average sized really. Not a large misfit like she. This polar bear also seemed to talk fine, so no problems for him. His face had a warming look to it, but he hadn't heard her speak yet...maybe she would pretend she was a mute, and he would be more understanding. But because of her slow mind, it would take a long time for her to remember this, and she would probably give herself away in minutes.

The female considered talking to him, but wasn't exactly sure if she should. Some really were against the mentally retarded, and Clea really didn't want to find out too late that he was one of them. His eyes were friendly and welcoming, and she couldn't help being tempted by them. How could she not? They were beautiful eyes...

The eyes were the trick though. You can always tell if someone is nice or not, just by staring into their orbs. If their lying, you can always tell by that glint that sparkles right in the corner, and just that can give them away. But as far as Clea searched, Seff's eyes seemed to say that he wouldn't hate her. Maybe it was safe to talk to him.

She had been thinking for a long time, and by now, the brute might be wondering why she didn't answer. He might have already caught on that she was an idiot. So she took a deep breath and tried to talk as best as she could without pausing.

Hi...m-m-my name is...Clea...who are...y-you...? she managed to get it out partially. It was pretty good, considering she almost always paused at every word, and stuttered at least three times in every sentence. Sometimes it was hard to figure out what she was saying because of it.

She looked up at Seff to let him see her eyes, wondering if he knew about the trick. Did her eyes show she was stupid? Clea could wonder...

[۞Embers۞]

Seff paused a second before answering the female. He was still thinking about what else to say to her when she responded, and she didn't sound too good. He wondered if she might be sick or something. Sickness scared him very badly, and he couldn't think straight when the topic came up.

He cocked his head and was about to take a step back when he realized that if the female wasn't sick, and it was just a problem she had, then he would have offended her very, very badly. So badly, she may not want to talk with him, let alone join his clan. Seff thought about this, and wondered whether to face his supposed fear, or take a risk by losing a potential clan member.

Still thinking, he looked up into Clea's face. Seff didn't think she looked sick or anything, just maybe a bit troubled. She could be crazy, but Seff didn't want to ask. When you met someone, the first thing you say to them, other than a greeting, probably wouldn't be, 'Are you crazy?'. No. One didn't ask another that type of thing.

Instead, Seff planted his feet on the ground, and clenched his jaw, trying to figure out what to say. He could just completely ignore the way she talked, and just engage himself in a conversation. But then if he did...and she was sick, he might have already ask her into his clan, and then how could he refuse? He needed to find out what was wrong with Clea, before he went ahead and did anything stupid. And he needed to find a polite way to ask.

He opened his mouth to say something, and then quickly shut it. Whatever he said might depend on his future. Getting the first clan member was important. Even asking was important. But Seff needed to realize that every time you ask someone, didn't mean they would say yes. If she said no, then no was no. So be it. Seff would just go and find someone else.

Seff tried to speak again, but this time, he only managed a croak. He was scared to talk to Clea, for she could be crazy and sick for all he knew. Oh, God, what do I do? Seff asked, looking to the sky.

Seff shook his head, confused, and bewildered. His strive for clan members, and his fear of sicknesses, were ripping him apart.

[FeRaLiA]

Out Of Character: Sorry, this post is short too. My muse died.

The female waited and waited for Seff to reply, very patiently. She looked at him, and watched as he avoided his gaze. She waited for awhile, and when he didn't answer, her eyes welled up with tears. He hated her. Just like everyone else hated her. She was a mutant toward him, and he was showing that he thought that, just by not responding to one single sentence.

Clea turned her head away as tears started to stream down her face. She hated when this happened. Uncontrollable tears, wildly pouring down her face. But she had a reason for it. Even though she had been unsure of talking to him at first, she did have hopes that he would like her, that they could talk. But now she could see that her wonderful thoughts had been crushed. Crushed into little tiny pieces.

She sniffed sadly, but didn't say anything. She wanted to run away, but for some reason, her feet wouldn't move. Maybe the bear was just in shock. Maybe he would say something to her. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Clea didn't want to be crushed again, and wanted to run, but her mind and limbs simply wouldn't do it.

Clea trembled and looked up at the male in front of her. Y-y-y............y-you.........h-h-h-h-hate............m-m-meee........ she said, with a tremor in her voice. She always talked the worse when she was scared, or stressed and such. She would pause greatly, and stutter ever so much. Than it was really hard to know what she was saying. But as deformed as her words were, Clea thought she said them loudly enough for Seff to understand clearly.

She ducked her head, and looked at her paws, while her salty drops dripped from her face and only the rest of the salty sea.

[۞Embers۞]

Seff really wanted to take the words he said, and suck them right back into his mouth. That was definitely the wrong thing to do. Why hadn't he just gotten on with it, instead of pausing just because she had trouble speaking? Because of his fear no doubt. Why did he have to be afraid of sickness? Couldn't he just get on with it already? And it wasn't Clea's fault she had trouble talking...hopefully...it was probably just a defect she had due to problems with her brain.

Seff instantly stepped in. He wanted to tell Clea that he didn't mean to be so...silent...he was just a bit surprised. No. That was the wrong thing to say. If he said that, she'd think he was just like many other animals: automatically hating someone because of their differences. Then she'd never want to talk to him.

I didn't mean to be so quiet, he blurted out suddenly. I just...I mean I...I was kinda...Really sorry about...oh... Now it was Seff's turn to stammer. He really wasn't sure what to say, and he was making a fool of himself. Some clan leader he would be.

He was about to try again, but stopped himself. If he stammered anymore, Clea might think he was having trouble talking to her because of her issues. That would be bad as well. It was a pretty tight situation, and he wasn't sure whether or not what to do.

With a final attempt to say something, Seff looked at Clea and said, I don't hate you. I admit, I was a bit surprised, because I've never met anyone like you before, but really, I don't hate you. You should hate me. I'm probably just like a bunch of other polar bears that have turned you down. He told her exactly what he was thinking, and he told her the truth.

Seff hoped that Clea would believe him, so he looked at her and gave her a solemn stare, just to confirm what he had told her just seconds ago.

[FeRaLiA]

Clea looked at the polar bear before her with eyes of uncertainty. She didn't know what to think. Was he trying to trick her, or were his words genuine? His gaze almost convinced her, but with the way many folks acted these days you could never be sure.

She cocked her head and she kicked her hind foot in the water behind he. This was one of those problems where you weren't sure that there was actually a right answer. Seff could be telling her that from his mind, or he could be playing a trick on her for some reason. There were two possible outcomes: one good, the other bad. Clea wasn't sure that she was ready for something bad to happen, so she had to make the right decision, and judge the male well.

Why am I stuck with all the hard choices? she asked herself mentally. Even if she did speak up, she would probably start stammering up a storm, and pause for such long periods of time that she would forget what she wanted to say in the first place. This was probably one of the worst first impressions she ever had to go through.

Why did this polar bear have to come her today? she asked herself miserably. If only he had had other plans, I wouldn't be thinking this right now! I would be enjoying the water lapping at my feet, instead of trying to get myself through a conversation! Clea wanted to have conversations, but not so much anymore. She had learned that with her problem, no one wanted to talk to her, so she just let it be.

Hoping that the polar bear wouldn't forget what he said and reject her, she quietly told him, I...I...believe I...a-accept your...a-a-apology... she said to Seff. Please...don't-t make fun...of...m-me... Her words were half hushed and Clea sounded pretty unsure of herself, but through it all, she lifted her orbs to look into the ones of Seff.

But even after apologizing, the words Don't hate me... were still running through the femme's mind.

[۞Embers۞]

Seff nodded toward Clea. He guessed that he could somewhat compare to how Clea felt. He wasn't exactly the most popular polar bear. If he was his clan would be huge at the moment, but he really wasn't around with the others a lot, so no one knew him really well. And since not many knew him well, not many were in his clan. In fact, no one was in his clan except for him...but if he succeeded today, maybe his clan population would rise to two.

The brute was having a strong urge to burst out and yell to Clea, Will you please join my clan! but he kept this feeling concealed. He would need to stay calm, ask politely, and not offend the femme if he wanted to recruit her. This would be tough, for he still wasn't used to the way she spoke. Seff didn't have a problem with the way Clea talked, it was just so different for him to hear, and harder for his mind to comprehend. If she joined, which he wanted her to do ever so badly, maybe Seff would get used to it, and then the two wouldn't have a problem. But he'd have to work on it.

He looked up at Clea's words. She understood him, yes, but 'Don't make fun of me'? It would take Seff awhile to show Clea that he didn't care about her problem. She seemed to have some self confidence, but not much. She needed to buck up, and not care about what others said or did to her. Some folks were idiots, and she got that part already, but others could be nice...like Seff...in his eyes anyway. He didn't have a clue on what the femme thought of him.

I won't make fun of you. he said in a deep voice. Please, Clea, understand that I don't mind. I'm just not used to the way you... he paused trying to think of what he wanted to say, without mentioning in so outright. ...the way you...um...speak. he finished lamely, giving up on trying to find a more polite word. He hoped she didn't take his stopping in mid sentence the wrong way either. She was pretty sensitive.

Seff realized he would have to ask Clea at one point to join his clan, and if he didn't do it soon, he'd probably say the wrong thing and scare her off. But how to ask her? He wondered how she would take if he just asked, Do you want to join my clan? or if she would rather have him ask about if she liked to be around others and such before he made the suggestion. Too many things to choose from it seemed like.

He looked up at Clea, decided that now was the right time to ask. Clea... he started. Waiting until he had her full attention to start.

[FeRaLiA]

Clea closed her eyes for a mere second. Maybe she could just say that she needed to go somewhere to get away from Seff. I want to talk to him...really badly...but it's just so embarrassing! Clea was thinking. It was hard to be social when everybody seemed to want to crawl away from you the minute you let a sound from your mouth. Not that Seff was doing it, but still.

She crouched lower into the water, letting it sink past her knees. How she wished the water could whisk her away from any bad conversations, awkward situations, or whenever she needed it. This would be one of those times, and Clea was just itching for it to happen. Seff was nice, but sometimes being so nice to another, it could make one feel somewhat uneasy.

The femme half heard Seff saying that he wouldn't make fun of her, but how could she believe him? How could she believe barely anyone? All she needed was something that would ensure that Seff wasn't lying to her...something that would decipher the good from the bad. Anything...But those types of things were hard to find. She had to train her eyes and her mind to figure out that kind of stuff.

She rose from the water so it lowered only to a couple of inches below her bulky knees. Clea shook the some of the droplets of her fur, and let them fall into the ocean. Clea looked at Seff once more, before she heard him saying her name quite slowly. That was never a good sign. When you say one's name slowly, and then pause, waiting for an answer or a sign of understanding, it normally meant that they were either saying they had to leave, or they were about to ask you something. Clea couldn't tell which at the moment, but she decided to give Seff her undivided attention.

Y-y-yes...? she asked him, waiting to see what he was about to tell her.

[۞Embers۞]

Seff prepared himself to tell her. He should probably just say it straight out and get it over with rather than pausing and making it look like he was nervous. That would just make him look like a lousy clan leader, and Seff didn't want Clea to think that. He was perfectly capable of running a clan, and he was ready to show it. He would do anything in his power to make Kaylar Clan a success.

Thinking of the clan, the brute started to think about how everything was going to work out. He hadn't even thought on where he would settle once they had enough BA BA Members! Would they travel, or nest in one place for a long time? In the future would Kaylar Clan have allies and enemies, or would they stay neutral? How many BA BA Members did he want? Who would his mate be? What positions did he need to assign? It could all be so confusing!

But now wasn't time to go over his checklist. He didn't want to make Clea wait any longer. He didn't want to drive her patience. If he did, she might go away or think this might happen to her all of the time.

Alright... Seff thought, I'll start talking in three...two...one... Well, um...Clea? he said again lamely. I was wondering if you...um...I mean if you wanted to...not that you have to just...I'd like to know if you'd be interested in... he kept trying to use different ways of approaching, for Seff wasn't sure of the best. They were all straight out ways of saying it, but he didn't want Clea to misunderstand.

He winced a bit and twitched his back leg. Clea, what I'm trying to say is, will you join my clan? he finally managed to ask.

[FeRaLiA]

Seff looked like he was having trouble telling her whatever he wanted to tell her, so Clea was a bit worried. They just met. What could he want that appeared to be so hard to get out? Not that she was mad about that, just thinking deeply. She hoped that he wasn't trying to make excuses to get away, because that was always an awkward thing to say to someone. He seemed nice, but yet that could also be part of a whole big excuse. Like he'll just say: Oh! It was nice meeting you, but I need to meet some others back over the hills! I guess I'll see you some other time! and then slowly inch away. That was severely sad and frustrating.

She looked and the male intently, trying to read was he was thinking through his eyes. It was true! You can tell what people are thinking through their eyes. Like when the sparkle it means, 'I have feelings for you...' or 'Guess what? I have the best news!'. Or when their dull, it should mean, 'There's been some problems...' or 'Something really bad has happened.'. You can always tell.

Clea wanted Seff to spit it out really bad. Even though her speech was even slower than his, she wanted to find out what was going on that was making him this nervous. She still couldn't believe he was talking to her at all, for no one really ever did. Again, how important could this be?

She started to feel like she was getting her hopes up. He was probably just going to say something stupid. Maybe ask her a favor that she'd have to say 'I'm sorry, but I can't do it' (except with a lot of pauses and stuttering) and then he'd get mad and storm away. He'd tell everyone about it and she'd never talk to anyone again. Well...that theory was a bit over the edge, but still.

As Seff finally started speaking, she realized how he kept changing his intro. He must have really been thinking about what to say, but now the words were getting all jumbled up in his throat. She hated when that happened, and it happened to Clea quite often. She'd plan out to say something, and then she got nervous and everything got blended together, and she'd still be trying to pick through the mix while she was trying to tell everyone. Now she was convinced this was of great issue.

Clea, what I'm trying to say is, will you join my clan? His words finally echoed over to Clea. Her head grew dizzy. Did he say clan? Did he say his clan? Wow. She was worthy enough in his eyes for him to ask her to join his own clan! Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. He could be only asking because he was desperate for BA Members, but she didn't care. If she said 'yes!' then she would actually become a clan member! That would be such an honor for her. Then maybe she'd be protected from bears that made fun of her and such. Now if only she could start speaking.

The Fae opened her mouth, mouthing the word 'yes!' but no sound came out. She was too excited to respond. This was so great, and now she couldn't even voice how she felt. Clea mouthed the word 'yes' again, trying to make sure that Seff understood how she felt about his proposal. She really hoped that he took her reaction of happiness instead of...something else.

[۞Embers۞]

Seff waited for her to say something. He knew he was wincing, but he couldn't help it. The brute really didn't want Clea to think he was just recruiting everyone he saw for that wasn't the case. He did want clan members but not just anyone. They had to be worthy, and nice, and all. Seff wasn't the kind to walk up to random polar bears and just ask if they'd join his clan. No, he would never do that.

Clea hadn't responded yet so he dragged his paw along the surface of the water. It rippled slightly but the waves soon washed all of ripples away. He wanted Clea to answer so he could get it over with, and he hoped she'd answer soon. He didn't mind her taking her time, but this was important and agitating at that. Maybe she was in shock or something. Hopefully, that wasn't the case. That was not his intention.

Glancing up and down from Clea to the ground, Seff tried to distract himself from worrying about what she might say. He really wasn't even sure what the big deal was about it all. If it was no, it was no, and if it was yes it was yes. Probably just the pressure for getting your first member as quickly as possible. Yes, that had to be it.

You know, you don't have to if you don't want to... he told Clea, but when he looked in her face, he saw a happy gaze glued upon it. He guessed she was speechless and took her expression as a 'yes'. This was perfect! His first clan member was staring back at him! All of his previous thoughts of Clea were washing away. Now she was part of Kaylar Clan, not just some polar bear.

Clea, thank you so much... he told her, not even explaining that he had understood what her face was showing.

[[OOC: Yeah, I know, that post was ultra bad. My muse has fallen out of my head.]]

[FeRaLiA]

Out Of Character: Really, I don't mind. We all do bad posts every so often.

Clea smiled. This was going to be great! Finally fitting in, finally comparing to someone, finally having another to turn to. This was wonderful. How exciting this could be! She didn't even know what to ask Seff first, and if she did say something would she be so excited that she couldn't even get the words out? Clea didn't think she'd been this happy in awhile.

Thank...you...S-S-S-Seff... she told him gratefully. Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect! Clea couldn't even list all the words that described how she felt. Fantastic, joyful, happy, glad, wonderful, perfect, complete, uplifted, joyous, awesome, sweet, and a whole bunch of other things.

The Fae realized that these were her last moments being left to herself. She would now be part of Seff's clan, Kaylar Clan. She'd be his first member, his big break. No one could say she didn't have anyone to go to now. Clea was part of something many polar bear loners wished they had: a clan.

Yet it was so strange, the feeling, at the same time. She had just been standing here, thinking, taking in precious moments, and here came Seff, giving her the chance of a lifetime. Life works in mysterious ways though, doesn't it? Sometimes fate would take a twist like this. Think you're nothing, all hope is lost, and then boom! Here comes what you've been waiting for, smacking you right across the face.

Are...w-we...going...t-t-to get more....cla-cla-clan...members...? Clea asked Seff, picking through her words.

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[۞Embers۞]

Seff normally wasn't very emotional, but he couldn't help smiling a huge grin. Clea was happy, and he assumed that she wasn't normally like that. Who would be? She did have a few problems, but he had given her a chance against them. Who knows what could happen? Maybe being in his clan would help the way she spoke. What if he could help her speak normally?

But he was getting way ahead of himself. He still needed a small territory. Just a little spot where his clan could settle. Seff was confusing himself though. Should he get territory first, or maybe more BA BA Members before that? For the first time, he was wondering if maybe this whole clan thing might just be a little over his head...He pushed the thought away. He had to be self confident, you know, believe in himself. Yes, I will be a great leader... Seff thought to himself, boldly.

Seff had to decide now so he would know what to do next. Why don't I ask Clea? he thought, That's the whole point of having a clan, isn't it? Having BA BA Members and leading them, and they can help you, and voice their opinions. He looked back up at Clea to speak, but she was already saying something to him. He believed she said thanks, and then asked him if they were getting any more clan BA BA Members. He tried not to show struggle as Seff tried to piece together what she was saying, so he looked at her with a slight smile. Seff was definately going to have to get better at understanding what she was saying. Time to answer.

You're welcome Clea, he said gently, And that's what I'm trying to figure out. If we should go get more clan BA BA Members first, or if we should claim territory. I'm not sure which to do, so what do you think? he asked her.